I have an essay in the April/May issue of Fit Pregnancy magazine that I wrote in tandem with a gorgeous photograph of a grandma, mom, and toddler. The essay is just 500 words—a musing on how becoming a mother helps you come to terms with your own mom. (ETA: Fit Pregnancy closed in 2015, merging its content with Parents.)
I received a letter, dated April 12, 2010, from an angry reader of the magazine, upset by the essay, who lives in the Bronx.
Here’s what she wrote:
I was enjoying the April/May 2010 issue of Fit Pregnancy until I reached your article ‘A Mother is Born.’ I cannot understand how someone like yourself can be so insensitive to adoptive mothers, as you were in your article. I quote, “…your mom rushed back to work after you were born—like mine did—…and you were secretly sure you were adopted.”
How dare you insinuate adoptive mothers are “relieved” to go back to work and leave their babies. It is obvious you were scarred by the fact that your biological mother left you and went back to work. This does not give you the right to insult adoptive mothers and children.
As an adoptive mother of four children, I take the offense personally. Adoptive and biological parents do the best they can for their children alike. To make a statement like you did is purely offensive and hurtful. I believe you owe all adoptive mothers a sincere public apology, however, this may not alleviate the harm you have already done. Young pregnant girls who are considering adoption could have been reading your article and influenced by your statement.
I am also very upset at Fit Pregnancy for publishing this article with this statement. I hope they will screen their articles in the future, and, as a respected and educated person who writes publishes [sic] in varied venues, I hope you will choose you [sic] words more carefully in the future. I guess neither one of you thought someone who wasn’t pregnant (an adoptive mother) would be reading your article. Shame on you both.
Ouch.
The essay I wrote clearly hit a nerve.
I feel sad that the essay made her so upset and that she felt so offended reading it. And sorry, too, that this is such an emotional issue for her and that she felt the magazine (and me in particular) is insensitive to adoptive mothers.
It’s probably worth noting that the editor-in-chief of the magazine, Peg Moline, is herself adopted and had nothing but sympathy for adoptive mothers and adopted children.
But that may be beside the point. Here’s my explanation about the essay: I did wish I were adopted when I was a small child. I fantasized about having a different mother out there somewhere—a mother who paid attention to me and cared for me. I wanted to be adopted, not because I understood anything about adoption but because that would help, in my very young mind anyway, explain why my mother was so distant and distracted. In a lot of ways, I had a very painful childhood.
My mother, whom I adore and admire, was mostly absent. She was busy with her biology and her life. I was a latchkey kid and my brother and I almost always came home to an empty house. We had nannies who cared for us growing up, as well as a loving and involved father. As a child, I idealized young mothers who spent time with their children. I used to fantasize that my preschool teacher, the one with the long brown hair and the glasses, was my real mom.
That desire to be adopted came from a place of pain about my own mother, not from any negative associations with adoptive parents. I am truly sorry that I hurt this reader’s feelings. I think adopting children is one of the kindest, most selfless, and most important things a person can do. I have always wanted to adopt and I hope someday to have the privilege of doing so. I didn’t mean to insinuate anything bad about adoptive mothers, or about working mothers for that matter. I just meant to share the pain of my childhood with other readers.
So, to the reader in the Bronx who was so upset by my story: Please accept my most sincere apology. It was not my intention to hurt an adoptive mother’s feelings. I’m sorry I offended you.
Published: May 12, 2010
Updated: January 20, 2020
anjie says
I can see how your reader was offended, even though you didn’t intend any hurtfulness. What a thoughtful, open-hearted response you gave her. Nicely done.
Kristen says
Do you get to respond in the publication–or just here? Sometimes I think we jump to a certain conclusion, that if given time we would realize we haven’t thought through. Perhaps the woman who wrote was having a bad day? I don’t mean to dismiss her feelings but it seems more and more we’re getting used to–expected to–rank, rate everything we read. And not with our in-depth thoughts but with the first thing that comes to mind…and then click.
Christine says
I don’t think that statement would have jumped out at me, and yet, I can see how this might possibly be interpreted that way by someone. But your generous, lovely response more than makes up for it, I believe, and the gift of it all is the increased sensitivity and awareness this can bring to all of us and our writing.
MarthaandMe says
I think that there is a cultural perception and offhandedness about adoption that is in line with what this reader was saying. People do joke about “maybe I was adopted” and so on and I can see how that could be hurtful. Bravo to you for answering her and thinking through the situation. I had a similar kind of situation growing up, so I completely empathize with where you were coming from.
Alexandra Grabbe says
Seems like this reader is particularly sensitive on this subject. It would take several months for an apology to appear in the magazine, wouldn’t it? Perhaps her reaction could lead you to write an article about how children feel when their moms, adoptive or not, must leave them and go to work and emphasize that adopted kids feel the same anguish? I know I always felt like you when my mom left me with a Guatamalan maid. My mom’s job was the main reason I chose to remain home for my own kids.
Peggy Bourjaily says
I was once having a what I thought was a funny conversation about future children and said something like, if I had a blond, blue eyed, big busted daughter, I wouldn’t know what to do with her. Well, one of my adopted friends tore into me and said I was incredibly insensitive to people who don’t know what their relatives look like and so therefore have no idea what their kids will look like.
I felt terrible. But then another friend, who also happens to be adopted and who was also present, didn’t think it was offensive at all. I think everyone has certain things that strike a nerve and even if people share an experience, it’s not necessarily going to hit the same nerve.
Good for you for responding in such a heartfelt and sensitive manner.
Ruth Pennebaker says
I think you did exactly the right thing by thinking this through so carefully, Jennifer, and making the sincere apology you did. This *is* a highly sensitive issue for adoptive parents — and Brette’s right about how offhanded and tactless our remarks can be. Good for you for taking responsibility and learning from it.
Sheryl says
Your answer is sincere and heartfelt. The reader’s reaction, I think, was a bit over-the-top; but I attribute it to her sensitivity about being an adoptive mom. But your sentiments in no way had anything to do with that side of adoption. How do I know? I totally relate. I, too, had a very distant and distracted mom, and I also wondered many times if I was, indeed, adopted, since I looked like no one in my family (until my brother came along and looked exactly like me).
Alisa Bowman says
It’s always interesting to me how easy it is to offend people. I could understand if you had written, “adoptive parents suck.” Sure, that would offend. But in this case, it’s quite obvious to me that you have nothing against adoptive parents or adopted children.
Sarah Henry says
Here’s an example where if you’d had more than 500 words you could have explained yourself more fully — as you do here, quite movingly I might add — and you wouldn’t have run the risk of offending that reader.
So don’t blame yourself. I’d send your comments to your editor (in the hope she might publish them as a letter or response in the mag) because I do think it would be helpful to that reader to see your whole perspective.
Another reason why “writing tight” can sometimes lead to unfortunate misunderstandings like this one.
landguppy says
I think some people are just looking to be offended. My starting place is that people don’t mean to offend. So if I feel offended, I look at it as my own misreading of the situation first. Only if that’s unlikely do I move to a place of feeling someone was really being insensitive.
Amanda says
As an adoptee, I find it ridiculous that you even have to apologize to an adoptive “mother”. The woman who raised me should be in jail for the unbelievable abuse she inflicted on me, and I am sick and tired of the halo these hysterical, bitter, neurotic and immature infertiles put over their heads. Especially when they have manipulated the baby they adopted away from the child’s real mother or closed an adoption (which most of them d0) that they promised would be open, another deceptive tool used to get the baby. I’m tired to of all the lies concerning adoption and how adoption is considered all about the adoptive parents and NOT the adoptee. Adoption and ammended birth certificates are NOT in the best interest of the child either, and neither are two strangers coming off of the street stealing the tittle of our mothers, which they insanely think they have a right to buy. The word mother is sacred, and it applies ONLY to being a physical part of another human being. Any babysitter can do what adoptive mothers exalt themselves for and they spend a lifetime giving themselves credit that they don’t deserve. No one has a right to buy a child and no one has a right to take money to sell a child, and THAT is what adoption is. Infertile women need therapy to ACCEPT they will never raise a child, not run off and theive someone else’s. Most adoptees adopted at birth WANT to live with their own real parents, be part of their own bloodlines, so little Miss Bronx can shove it as far as I am concerned. Adoption should only be for animals…and infertile women should only be able to adopt a cat or dog.
Amanda says
I will add that how DARE Ms. Bronx and all other adoptive “mothers” think they are actually mothers and our mothers. YOU’RE NOT.