You take pride in your appearance and never leave the house without tastefully applied make-up. Your 11-year-old is always unkempt, refuses to shower, hates to go shopping, and has no interest in clothes.
You’re an introvert and need down time every day. Your 4-year-old never stops talking.
You work for a non-profit peace organization. Your 3-year-old turns carrot sticks into guns.
Your partner is a professor and you believe educational achievement is the path to a fulfilling life. Your 9-year-old says he “HATES reading.”
Sometimes our children are completely different from us. They have different tastes, different abilities, and different desires. They don’t want what we want. They don’t care about what we care about. They don’t value what we value. They don’t approach life the way we want them to.
So what do we parents usually do?
We fight every morning about the clothing choices our pre-teen is making, refuse to buy that coveted often-begged-for toy gun, tell our child he “LOVES reading,” and spend a small fortune on tutors and specialists to help our kids. We complain to our friends that our children are “lazy,” lie awake worrying that they will suffer as adults, and try to stuff them into an ill-fitting mold that they did not choose for themselves.
We try to change them. We try to make them more like us.
In high school I babysat for a family I adored. Both parents were psychologists. Their little girl, Rachel, was only five years old but already her mother had started commenting on how much she was eating and scolding her for eating too much. Her daughter wasn’t even chubby. She was a healthy active kid who enjoyed food. “I just don’t want her to have weight problems when she’s older,” the mom confided in me.
What if we didn’t try to change our children to make them more like us, or more like the person we wished we had been in the past? What if we started to take our children on their own terms and let them be themselves? What if we realized that no child’s like or dislikes are set in stone, that sometimes our children’s behavior is simply age appropriate or an indication of what they like or don’t like today, not what they will like or not like for the rest of their lives?
What if Rachel’s mom provided her with a wide variety of healthy foods and never made another comment about what her daughter ate?
What if we decided it’s okay for our pre-teen to dress however she feels most comfortable?
What if we helped our son make himself a toy gun?
What if we stopped labeling our children, criticizing our children, fretting over our children, and instead just loved them unconditionally and let them be themselves?
I have a theory about this: If we stop trying to change and mold our children and start loving them just the way they are then we have to extend the same courtesy to ourselves. But loving ourselves unconditionally is really hard. We’re afraid it will make us soft, or weak, or somehow bad. Cheri Huber, a Zen guru and writer, calls this our psycho-social conditioning. She says conditioning tries to trick us into thinking that we’ll actually die or explode or decombust if we accept ourselves the way we are and love ourselves.
I struggle with this a lot. I have a ticker tape of negative criticism running through my head so constantly that I’m often not aware of it (“I-put-too-much-salt-in-the-soup-and-ruined-it-I-hate-myself-I’m-a-bad-person-I-can’t-believe-what-a-disgusting-mess-this-living-room-is-it’s-my-fault-for-not-making-the-kids-do-more-chores-I-bet-the-editor-hates-my-photos-and-that’s-why-she-didn’t-mention-them…”).
If you feel comfortable with who you are and how you are, chances are you feel comfortable with your child and his preferences and choices.
If you’re consumed with self-hate and full of self-criticism, you probably feel like everything your child does that you don’t like is a negative reflection on you.
It’s true that some children are harder for some adults to parent, and even to love. Some children and adults really are mismatched. It’s also true that there will be times when you really don’t enjoy being with your child–when your daughter’s going through a stage you just can’t stand or your son is acting especially difficult (to you anyway). But even though we sometimes may not like them, our job, I think, is to always love them. To learn to embrace our differences. To let our children spread their wings their own way and fly to the places they want to go. To be the steady branch they can alight on when they come home.
To accept our children unconditionally we have to also accept ourselves.
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Jennifer Margulis, Ph.D., is a senior fellow at the Schuster Institute for Investigative Journalism. Her latest book, The Business of Baby: What Doctors Don’t Tell You, What Corporations Try to Sell You, and How to Put Your Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Baby Before Their Bottom Line, will be published by Scribner in April 2013.
I think it can be hard also when your kid is too much like you. You identify all of your own weaknesses and problems and want to do something to help your kids get beyond them or learn to cope with them better than you did.
I think that the problem with what you are suggesting is that it’s absolutely right to a point, but you have to draw the line somewhere. If Rachel’s mom lets her eat whatever she wants, she eats only candy bars and gains 10 lbs in a month, it’s not working. I think there always has to be a point where you have to be prepared to be the parent and make decisions for your child to keep them safe, healthy, etc. while at the same time allowing them to feel comfortable with who they are and making it clear you love them for who they are.
Brette, I agree with this critique. A lot of parents make the mistake of wanting to be their children’s friend instead of the parent who makes and enforces the rules. Our kids won’t always like us and we will have to be the bad guy sometimes. As much as we may not want to be.
I’m definitely not suggesting we let our kids misbehave or be rude or run wild (and “accept” that as normal), just that we accept them for who they are.
If Rachel were eating only candy, it would because she had access to it. Rachel’s parents’ job is to give her access to a wide variety of healthy foods and no junk, model healthy eating habits by making good choices themselves, and THEN leave her alone. So they are still being the parents and helping their daughter make good choices, but NOT criticizing those choices once their daughter has made them.
I know a lot of kids who are “chubby” as children who grow into healthy adults with no weight problems! Everyone has a different body type. Though her mom was trying to save her, I fear she was creating a problem that may have only existed in her head…
My son is definitely different to me in some ways, and we do butt heads from time to time, but overall I think I definitely encourage him to be his own person. He is extremely intelligent, but at the same time can be absent-minded and nonchalant about things. That absent-mindedness and nonchalance is part of who he is though, he gets it from his Mom so I try to accept that it is what it is.
In terms of school and friends, he is quite unique too – he plays outside and everything, but he has always been blessed with more emotional intelligence that most. He’s also advanced when it comes to vocabulary and creativity. I’m very proud
I welcome that he is unique, and although I can’t say we won’t butt heads in the future over that absent-mindedness and nonchalance I mentioned earlier, I know he’s an amazing kid and I’m proud to be his father.
What you said about the ‘negative ticker tape of self criticism’ resonated with me, because I have the same thing. Over time, it has got easier though because I have learned that perfection is something we can never attain.
Thanks for a great read.
Liam recently posted…Good Communication Is The Key To a Loving, Trusting Marriage
For me the difficult part with my mixmatched child is not so much her personality and gusto for life (serious extrovert of two introverted parents), it’s how she treats others, especially her younger siblings. She just has little impulse control and is an in-your-face person. I don’t want to fit her in a mold, but I do want to teach her to respect other people’s personal space.
Sarah, I totally understand. My husband is an introvert and at least two of ours are exuberant extroverts. Maybe, just maybe, the personal space question and the way your daughter is treating her siblings is a stage and something she’ll grow out of? There’s a great book called SIBLINGS WITHOUT RIVALRY: HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILDREN LIVE TOGETHER SO YOU CAN LIVE TOO, which I’ve read twice. It’s full of compassion and wisdom and maybe it will help.
Another suggestion when you have a child who’s exasperating you (I’m in that right now with one of mine) is to CATCH THEM DOING SOMETHING RIGHT, as often as you can. Even if it’s not that often, when your daughter DOES respect someone’s space or backs off when asked, you can tell her you really like the way she responded and was so considerate of that person. And when she’s nice to her siblings (if she ever is), you can catch her doing that right too…
What if? The world would be a better place. You nailed this. Live and let live. I have a theory that at the root of all of OUR fear is a nagging desire to be liked and validated and loved and approved of ourselves. And, that parents are stll trying to get all those things through their kids. NOT FAIR!
I see you as allowing your kids to be themselves. Who they are. With their own choices and letting them learn through their own mistakes. They will. Even if you fret secretly. So, what is the point of worrying? And, I see the happiest children I know. And, if we do not like ourselves, we will not like our kids who are a part of us. And, they will feel that lack of self esteem. And, self respect and self love.
As someone whose parents seemed to care more about what the neighbors thought than what I thought, I beseech parents everywhere to stop that. The message is almost irreversible. And, it will be passed on.
Great post, Jennifer. This line — “I-can’t-believe-what-a-disgusting-mess-this-living-room-is-it’s-my-fault-for-not-making-the-kids-do-more-chores-” — has definitely played through my head more than once!
And this line — “If you’re consumed with self-hate and full of self-criticism, you probably feel like everything your child does that you don’t like is a negative reflection on you.” — is tough. I’ve done a lot of work toward self-love and acceptance in the last few years, but I still lean toward thinking that everything “bad” my kids do is a negative reflection on me.
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I like to think I was the accepting parent. My children’s father was not, so I don’t know how much klout I had. But it’s much easier to be the accepting grandparent. I can tell you that. What a great article.
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Best Column you’ve ever done in my opinion. Insightful with truth pouring out of it. I will be sharing it widely but I’m starting with me!
This is big stuff Jennifer. Thank you so much.
I love this, Jennifer. And it’s amazing to me that so many of us have that constant ticker-tape of negativity we hardly even notice any more, and yet function within that- even seem to thrive. Lots of resonance here! Toast to letting things be how they are, to finding the true good impulse in whatever is, starting with how we are, and how our kids are. Maybe Rachel was a budding foodie (re-frame) and is now a chef…
Thank you for your kind words, Julie and Julia. I appreciate the time you took to read this column and comment on it, and I’m glad that it resonated with you. I’d like for my kids NOT to have that ticker tape in their heads. Maybe it is unavoidable? Hopefully not!
Wonderful post. I think it becomes ever more relevant as kids get older. Their energies are devoted to establishing an identity, finding out where they excel, and exploring the interests that make them feel alive. Sometimes our kids share our interests, but that doesn’t mean they want our input. And sometimes we’re thrilled to see them overcome big challenges, but that doesn’t mean they plan to stick with those pursuits. There’s even research showing that there are long-term benefits when kids follow their interests for their own reasons. Here’s more on that http://lauragraceweldon.com/2010/02/08/our-kid%E2%80%99s-pursuits-are-their-own/
Thanks for this insightful piece. I’m sharing widely!
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Interesting to think about. I guess I never expected my kids to be mini-mes. Perhaps it’s because from day 1 my oldest had so much of her own personality I didn’t think I’d ever be able to change her. That said, there’s plenty of personality clashes around our house…
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[...] Just because we’re the parents doesn’t mean we’re in sync with our kids. They are their own people with energy levels, interests, and ideas that may be radically different than ours. That’s why it’s refreshing to read this post about getting through what feels like a pe… [...]
What if we started to take our children on their own terms and let them be themselves?
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awesome … inspiring … thank you for your compassion.
[...] the way they are then we have to extend the same courtesy to ourselves. – Jennifer Margulis, Mismatched: When Your Child’s Personality Clashes With Your Own I looked in the other pocket. I looked in my bag. And then I remembered, with dull thud to the [...]
I have 3 children, who are all VERY MUCH themselves. I have always ENCOURAGED them to be who they are, never once have I tried to change them and make them be what they aren’t. My daughter is sooo much different than me, but all alike at the same time. She is wonderful the way she is. I wouldn’t have her any other way. She is 5 and a half and definetely is her own person! My nearly 4 year old twin sons, they are totally different from one another, and different from their parents. Children aren’t meant to be “mini me’s” they are totally different people. With their own likes, dislikes, talents, strengths, weaknesses, and personalities. Why try to mold them into your image? Embrace your children the way they are and help them grow into that person!